Without Pride or Prejudice.
Day 1:
My dearest, dearest Mr Darcey,
A partridge in a pear tree - what a lovely surprise!
You are a darling, it is simply adorable. Not what I expected. Sort of novel, yet old fashioned if you get my drift.
Love and kisses,
Elizabeth
Day 2:
Dearest Mr Darcey,
Two turtle doves - you are too kind! They are beautiful and are coo-ing happily away.
A rather unusual and unexpected gift and yes, perhaps still a little old fashioned my dearest (hint, hint).
Love and kisses,
Elizabeth
Day 3:
Dearest Darcey,
Three French Hens - Mon Dieu! Such generosity! I don’t know what I shall do with them, what with the pear tree and all. I know you feel the Call of Duty but believe me Modern Warfare 3 is more what I was thinking of. Mr Bingley tells me it is very good and perhaps a little more appropriate for a sophisticated gal like moi.
Love and kisses,
Elizabeth
Day 4:
Dear Mister Darcey,
Four calling birds - phew, you like your birds don’t you. Not a gift a girl gets every day. Must say, we’re running short of places to put them all - if you get my meaning, my sweet! And what are we going to call them all - geddit! Okay, perhaps I know you’re a bit set in your ways so how about a nice Olympus Lumix PEN E-P3 with 12.1 megapixels? Just think of the marvellous pictures we can take of you diving into the pond or nice shots of your estate which will be yours and mine shortly, my dear. ps. Don’t forget to the batteries. 4 x AA will do. Duracell are the best.
Love and kisses,
Elizabeth
Day 5:
Dearest, dearest Mr Darcey,
Five gold rings - now that’s more like it! You gorgeous hunk! You really know your way to a gal’s heart! They look grrrrrreat! Papa thinks they look like I’m wearing a knuckle duster, the silly man haha, what does he know!
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 6:
Dear Darcey,
Six geese-a-laying - back to the birds are we Darcey? You are wonderfully kind but please, please, please, no more birds my darling - do you want me to eat them!!! You know, we keep a well stocked larder so no more food please - perhaps something smaller? A Kg jar of Beluga Caviar or a hamper of white truffles next time eh, my dear?
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 7:
Look here Darcey,
Seven swans-a-swimming on my front porch! Which bit of “no more birds” are you having trouble with????? How about a nice pair of Purdy shotguns? They would be nice and handy just at this moment! I have to tell you Papa ate the partridge in a pear tree for his supper and is eyeing up the turtle doves. Think about conservation Darcey, anything. No more birds! Please.
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 8:
Mister Darcey!
Eight maids-a-milking (plus cows) - very funny! Okay, Yes, a different type of bird in your parlance! HAHA! More mouths to feed at Christmas. Good job we’ve got the geese and the eggs handy but the birds are perched everywhere like in a Mr Hitchcock moving picture thingy! Where are my shotguns, my sweet? Did Harrod’s not have any on discount?
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 9:
Darcey, Darcey, Darcey!
Nine ladies dancing! Very nice but not exactly Ballet Rambert is it! All that whirling is making my head spin and I haven’t even started drinking YET! Did that Mr Bingley put you up to this! Never trusted him! Bit too posh for my liking! And his sister, what a cow - which reminds me..... we now stand at eight cows, seven swans (still a swimming), six geese, the three calling birds (Papa’s doing his best!)
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 10:
Darcey!
Ten Lords-a-leaping all over the place! Are these your mates Lord Darcey! Trying to prove you’re not Billy-no-mates are you?
“Go off and hang someone you gits!” I shout sweetly from my window. Oh now the maids are being chased by the Lords who have stampeded the cows. Oh what fun! Such times we live in. Well at least they’ve brought some vintage port with them - verwy nithe it ith too.
Just to keep you posted - Papa’s now a bit poorly, so the body count remains the same. He’s said some very unpleasant things about your parentage - my love.
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 11:
MISTER DARCEY!
Eleven pipers piping have rocked up, saying YOU sent them. Ooooh my head! What a racket! I hate you! Is it your intention to drive me nuts! The only peace I get is when the pipers disappear off with the maids - leaving your intended to look after the cows, the swans, the geese, the four calling birds, the one French hen (thanks Papa!)
Lord knows what the Lords are up to. Oh now there’s a fight going on between the pipers and the Lords, oh and now the maids have joined in! This is better than Little Women!
Where’s that bottle of port? Found it! Things are looking up!
Love and kisses
Elizabeth
Day 12:
Dear whoever you are,
12 drummers drumming - where are this lot from? Bernard Matthews! They’ve woken up the whole neighbourhood who think we’re being invaded.
This Christmas is turning into a complete fiction.
Don’t suppose you’d think about revisiting gift No5?
On the plus side, Papa is ecstatic, thinks he’s invented a new protein based diet and I’ve decided to be generous and charitable and give away your marvelous presents to a good cause - Mr Whickham’s Home for Distressed Ladies. My sister Lydia recommended him. Apparently he’s been a bit of a runaway success.
It’s Christmas Darcey. Have a good one!
Love and kisses
Miss Elizabeth Bennett - gone away
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